Nick Cato Takes on CANNIBAL HOOKERS (1988)

No, this isn’t an 80s porn flick, but it’s not a horror film either.

One in a long line of cheap, shot-on-video features that infected the 1980s horror boom, this second gem from director Donald Farmer is a sloppy mess where the only effort was apparently put into the VHS cover image (see above), which lured young gorehounds like myself in and forced me to part with $34.99 (yep, that was the standard price of new VHS tapes at the time).

Two really goofy-looking 80s babes—in an attempt to join a sorority—have to pose as hookers and bring two Johns back to the college. When they bring the men back, the pledge master has the ability to turn the girls into zombies (although they look and act more like vampires), who then join the sorority’s cannibal cult. As amazing as this all sounds, the script is nearly non-existent (let alone the plot), the acting atrocious, the gore-FX look about a step above dumping ketchup on someone, and worst of all is the horrendous camera work, that looks like the director hired a blind guy to do it for a quick handjob.

If one were to view this today without any background info, they’d think it was made by some kind of porn company attempting to cash in on the 80s splatter craze. But as mentioned, the “splatter” is horrible and the actresses aren’t much to look at (if you’re going to make trash, give us at least one un-saggy breast to gawk at). And most ridiculous is lead cannibal “Lobo,” an overweight balding guy who likes to gawk at the tramps in his stable and gnaw on really fake-looking bloody limbs.

Most amazingly, director Donald Farmer has directed 23 “films,” each one worse than the other. He gained a bit of popularity in 2009 when he appeared on the VH1 reality show “Megan Wants a Millionaire.” Amazingly, some of his later films (such as BOLLYWOOD AND VINE) received awards. Go figure.

CANNIBAL HOOKERS is a real chore to get through, even with the FF button at the ready. You’re better off with CANNIBAL CAMPOUT (also released straight to video in 1988), which at least features some fun gore scenes.

The original 1988 VHS release was unleashed upon the masses by the ITALIAN STALLION VIDEO CORPORATION, a group I’m quite sure are now mopping restrooms at highway service stations.
VERDICT: This film bites 5 out of 5 BIG WANGS.

-Nick Cato