Hey, baby. Wanna go to bed?
There are few things funnier than a carnivorous bed. DEATH BED: THE BED THAT EATS doesn’t disappoint in this regard.
I first discovered this truly terrible gem while doing some research for the book Nick Cato and I are writing, Satanic Celluloid, a study of 1970s occult cinema. The film was produced in 1977, but it wasn’t released until much later, around 2004.
The film starts out with a couple hiking through the woods. They discover the ruins of a mansion and decide to have a little picnic inside. Within, they find a large, four-poster bed, the titular death bed. The guy thinks he’s going to score a little bow-chicka-bow-bow, but the girl turns him down as girls sometimes do. Sorry, guys. They set out their picnic lunch but go back to making out. The bed consumes their chicken, wine, and fruit, but apparently it’s still hungry because it eats them, too!
The demonic bed goes on, eating people as possessed beds are wont to do, but DEATH BED does us a favor and tacks on a plot!
Three lovely ladies decide to spend the weekend at this abandoned mansion. One of the girls is a runaway teen, and her family tries to get her to come back home.
Meanwhile, the film is being narrated by some strange guy behind a drawing in the same room as the bed. He keeps warning people not to sit on the bed or lie on the bed or stand close to the bed. The people can’t hear this narrator, so for most of the film, the viewer is left to wonder why this person is even relevant to the action. We later discover that this individual was the bed’s original owner, and he died in the bed of tuberculosis. He drew a picture of his death bed before dying, and this is the drawing behind which he resides in the afterlife. Does that make sense to you? It certainly didn’t make sense to me.
Most of the film is dedicated to a montage of people being eaten by the bed in various eras. There are moments that are downright hilarious, including a scene in which the bed consumes a bottle of Pepto Bismol. No, I am not making this up.
The conclusion of this film has to be seen to be believed. One of the girls staying at the mansion is attacked by the bed. She manages to pull herself out, but one of her legs has been partially digested. For 10 agonizing minutes, we watch this woman pull herself along the floor with her arms. Shatner never overacted so much in his life. She finally makes it to the stairwell, and she’s almost home free when the bed unleashes its sheets and pulls her back!
DEATH BED: THE BED THAT EATS is the kind of film you watch on a Saturday night with your friends while consuming large quantities of alcohol.
VERDICT: This film bites 3 out of 5 BIG WANGS.
— Sheri Sebastian-Gabriel
Bites the Big Wang: Truly Dreadful Cinema 