Use that dagger to stab my eyes out, would you?
VIRGIN WITCH (1972) is the film that begs the question, “How much nudity is too much?” Now, don’t get me wrong. Although I’m a straight female, I enjoy a nice set of bosoms as much as the next person. You’ll see breasts (both male and female) so often in VIRGIN WITCH, you’ll want to stab your eyes with an icepick, just to make it go away.
This is not to say that the ladies in the film aren’t perfectly lovely. They are. But neither Ann Michelle nor Vicki Michelle (who play sisters Christina and Betty) seem proud of their roles in VIRGIN WITCH. Ann’s Wikipedia page proudly announces that she starred in 1973’s PSYCHOMANIA, but there’s no mention of this Ray Austin film.
Much like a women-in-prison movie, VIRGIN WITCH is little more than an excuse to show full-frontal nudity. There’s a major consistency issue. Sometimes the lead character is called Christine, and sometimes she’s called Christina.
There is a thin plot. Christina (Ann Michelle) wants to become a model. The Sybil Waite Agency is hiring models. It won’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that old Sybil is looking to discover Christina – and I’m not talking about her modeling abilities! Sybil is a lot like a female warden in those women-in-prison flicks, eager to peel off Christina’s clothing to get “accurate” measurements.
She’s so impressed with what she’s sees (and you will be, too) that she hires Christina on the spot for a spur-of-the-moment photo shoot at a country estate called Wychwold. Aren’t they subtle? Did the subtle joke slip past you? Get it? Wychwold?
Christina and her sister, Betty (Vicki Michelle) travel to the English estate, which is owned by a man named Gerald (Neil Hallett). Gerald, we discover, is a witch. He’s loud and proud about his religion.
Meanwhile, Christina gets photographed mostly nude by a weird guy named Peter, who seems eager to deflower the titular virgin. Sybil is insanely jealous. She wants Christina all for herself.
While Christina’s off getting “photographed,” Betty explores the grounds and discovers strange people and an even stranger room filled with scary masks and a bizarre altar.
Betty’s boyfriend, Johnny (Keith Buckley), back in London, is at a club, listening to cool jazz, when he finds out from a friend that Sybil Waite’s modeling agency is nothing but bad news. He goes all ninja and breaks into Sybil’s office.
About this time, back at Wychwold, the ceremony begins. Christina is stripped naked (of course), and Gerald and Sybil engage her in a ritual in which she is anointed with oil. She is placed on an altar. While nude women dance in a circle around them, Gerald deflowers Christina, making her a witch.
Christina and Gerald discuss making Betty a witch. Christina asks if she can initiate her.
Meanwhile, Johnny makes his way to Wychwold in an effort to rescue his girlfriend and her sister. Johnny wants to take Betty away, but she won’t leave without Christina. Christina has asked Betty to stay for the night.
Sybil discusses her plans to initiate Betty, but Christina changes her mind. She pulls away from Sybil’s sexual advances and declares that she won’t allow them to initiate her sister because she’s not ready.
Christina uses the power of crazy eyes to set a photograph of Sybil ablaze. I really need to try this trick the next time someone pisses me off, because Sybil actually feels the effects of this curse. She falls ill with a headache.
Christina takes Sybil’s place as the high priestess at the Sabbat to initiate Betty. Sybil is furious, and despite her weakness from the spell Christina cast upon her, she shows up at the ceremony.
Christina’s out to prove she’s the baddest witch in the whole damn town. Her crazy eyes set everyone into frenzy and push Sybil out of the circle. When it’s time for Betty to get her virginity taken, she stops Gerald and introduces a masked man. Be prepared for the biggest shock of this film! The masked guy is Johnny! Okay, absolutely no one is shocked.
The whole group engages in nude full-body dry heave, something that looks appallingly like the dance moves from the 1960s Batman series.
In the end, Christina’s power is too much for Sybil. Christina puts a dagger into the ground, and for some reason this is the end of Sybil.
If you’re looking for erotic nudity and something genuinely arousing, Paris Hilton’s sex tape would be a far better choice. Yes, it’s that bad. The nudity in this film is about as erotic and sexy as a mammogram or a prostate exam. Naked people become so commonplace, that it stops being sexy and becomes a bit revolting, like catching your parents having sex.
VERDICT: This film bites 4 out of 5 BIG WANGS
— Sheri Sebastian-Gabriel